An Email at 1am
It’s been a while since we’ve emailed each other, and what I want to say is too long for offlines.
It’s almost ten past one in the morning and I can’t sleep. I feel like shit, really. I know job stuff went well today and all, but it’s really bugging me that it was you who made it happen and not me. I didn’t want to keep going, at least not straight away, but you went in for me, despite me trying to stop you. I just wanted to get my head together. You’re probably already blaming yourself a bit by now, and I don’t want reading this email to get like that. I dunno, I know you’re just trying to help in the way I said was best, but the fact that you’re more motivated about getting me a job than I am just seems to affirm what everyone’s been saying about me; that I’m lazy and unmotivated. I know you didn’t mean it like that, and I know I’m being stupid, but I just hate that I got an opportunity because of something I was refusing to do and you just went in and did, and that not only did things go well not because of me, but despite me too. The most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me, and numerous people have said this (I think), is “you’re not trying”. The first few times this was said to me at least, I was already trying really hard. It wasn’t too long before I stopped trying, seeing that my efforts weren’t even registering on the “trying” scale. This mixed in with the fact that I can’t even remember what it’s like to apply for a job that I wouldn’t mind getting and feel like I might actually get makes it hard to keep going with job applications.
I’m sorry, you don’t need to hear this same old bullshit again. I guess I just wanted the satisfaction of feeling like I’d beaten unemployment myself and that’s been taken away from me. I’m sorry I’m so fucked up in the head and I don’t know what will help me.
Sorry.
